The Diary of Argus Filch
by SiriousB1
Summary: Argus Filch moves in and out of scenes in the Harry Potter series, but never is he seen at his best...er, worst. Enter a day in the life of everybody's favorite caretaker and discover his loves, hates, and future plans for student torture. Comedic interp.


**The Diary of Argus Filch**

3:50 AM – Just woke up. I had been dozing peacefully when a loud banging noise awoke me. After grumbling a bit in my usual way, I got out of bed to discover that the stone floor was, as usual, extremely cold. Curse whatever it was that woke me! I'll grab a torch and go see what's going on.

3:53 AM – That was stupid. Peeves was breaking jars over desks in a classroom not even two corridors from my bed and office. Damn him…one of these days I'll get him! In the mean time, back to bed.

4:26 AM – Can't sleep. Too cold.

4:32 AM – Must talk to Dumbledore and the house elves about the fire. Doesn't seem to be emitting enough heat to reach my bed.

4:40 AM – Got up to investigate the fire, only to find that someone has tampered with it. It's not a fire at all; it's now a cycle of falling, orange and red snow. Whoever snuck into my office will pay dearly for this.

5:02 AM – Woke up again to Mrs. Norris sitting on my face with a dead mouse in her clutches. How sweet.

5:05 AM – Sleep is futile. I'll just work on my sketches a bit.

5:26 AM – Finished the drawing I was working on: another torture device for students. This one requires the delinquent to hold completely still or else get stuck by a rusty needle, several hundred of which are surrounding him in a circular fashion. I'll submit it to Dumbledore for approval immediately.

5:30 AM – Time to start my rounds. I'll bathe first, though.

5:32 AM – Contemplated bathing. I bathed sometime last week, so I'll just skip it today.

6:14 AM – Found a pile of stink bombs hiding in a dank corner of the dungeon passageway. Great. Now I can add them to my confiscated collection of a thousand or so.

6:45 AM – Almost breakfast time. I can hear some miscreants coming down early, maybe hoping to play a game of "Mess with Filch's Life." Well, not today! Not this time!

6:52 AM – Got ambushed by a pair of flying quills. Stupid kids.

7:00 AM – Breakfast. I'm looking forward to some bacon and eggs, and maybe some orange juice as well.

7:45 AM – Spent breakfast gazing at Minerva. What a fine looking dame!

8:19 AM – Caught several first-year Hufflepuffs trying to find their classrooms. Or so they say. But I know they were really trying to plot exploding ink bottles on the desks of empty teachers' offices. Well, they won't escape Filch! Detentions for them all!

8:32 AM – Bored. I swear all I do is walk up and down these hallways a million times a day. Same stuff all the time.

NOTE: Tell Dumbledore to redecorate. The whole medieval castle thing is getting annoying.

9:10 AM – Went to give Dumbledore my Rusty Nail Torture sketch, but he wasn't in his office. Left it on his desk with a note.

9:30 AM – Got caught on a moving staircase. Again. Almost lost my breakfast; I hate thrill rides.

10:47 AM – Had a horrible confrontation with that Potter boy. He said he was going to see Hagrid, but I know he was trying to sneak into the Forbidden Forest to conduct Black Art rituals to take over the world. He can't fool me. Stupid kid. He needs a haircut. Anyway, I was about to give him a detention, when Dumbledore showed up. He released Potter and told me that he was just trying to see a friend during his break.

When I asked about my drawing, he said he hadn't been to his office yet, but would look at it first thing.

11:22 AM – Walked past Minerva's classroom; got to hear her lovely voice yelling at some Slytherins (apparently, one of them turned a Ravenclaw's head into a fishbowl). What a charming woman! I'll get to see her soon at lunch…wonder what they're serving?

11:38 AM – Talked with the house elves in the kitchens. Said today it's bangers and mash. Yum. Also got an éclair while I was in there. House elves. Stupid things, but what wonderful cooking!

12:30 PM – Finished lunch. Watched Minerva chomp down and suck on a sausage. Mmmm…what I'd do to bang her mash!

12:35 PM – Was exiting the Great Hall and found Peeves dropping water balloons on the students. Again. Couldn't do anything but chase him around and wait for him to run out of ammo. I'm currently soaking wet; the knickers mother knit me are dripping. This is awful!

NOTE: Ask mother for a new pair of knickers.

12:50 PM – Time to walk around and look evil.

1:01 PM – Some stupid fourth year jumped into the lake for five Galleons. Gave him and his friends detentions, confiscated the gold, and am now contemplating what to buy with it.

1:23 PM – Here's my list of ideas:

-scratching post for Mrs. Norris

-new sketch pad

-slippers

-something to give anonymously to Minerva

-a stuffed Flobberworm

1:44 PM - More wandering. These hallways really start to look the same after a while!

1:56 PM – Bored. I think I'll get the slippers. As much as I love Minerva, the cold floor is a pain I don't want to be forced to bear.

2:15 PM – Met up with Mrs. Norris outside the Muggle Studies room. She seems to have had a boring day as well. Surprise, surprise.

2:30 PM – Break time! Good, now I have half an hour to do whatever I want!

2:39 PM – Bored.

2:46 PM – Just got a note from Dumbledore regarding my torture device idea. He says it's too inhumane and cruel and that Hogwarts would never undertake such a project. Figures. Another rejection, just like the first forty-seven. Just he wait…one of these days I'll get him to pass one of my devices, and then, look out students!

3:00 PM – Back on the job.

4:07 PM – Contemplating the meaning of life. Why are we here? What's our purpose? Is there a hereafter? Is Hell necessarily a bad thing? Do Squib's have a different Heaven than wizard's do?

4:10 PM – Decided not to think on the last question too much.

4:42 PM – Caught four Gryffindor girls playing Exploding Snaps in the courtyard. What a nuisance of a game! So loud and foolish. Oh well…confiscated the cards, considered giving them detentions, then let them go. Thinking I'm getting soft…

00:5 MP – derevocsiD owt stneduts gniggons ni na ytpme moorssalc. I saw tuoba ot kaerb tip u nehw yeht was em dna eht yob dexnij em erofeb I dluoc od gnihtyna. yliraropmeT dennuts, I saw decrof ot tel meht teg yawa. I ma won ylno elba ot etirw dna keeps sdrawkcab.

31:5 MP – deroB.

12:5 MP – ohW thguoht pu a xnij ekil siht, yawyna? "hO, ahah, s'tel ekam ruo seimene keeps dna etirw sdrawkcab; ll'ti yfirret meht!" diputS stig.

5:36 PM – The effects on the jinx have finally worn off. Thank Merlin. I was beginning to confuse myself!

5:55 PM – Time to go talk with Snape.

6:47 PM – Had an in-depth conversation with Snape about how stupid the Potter boy is. We've concluded that it's a result of bad parents, a sorry upbringing and hanging around with losers. Not that we sympathize with him. On the contrary, we find it all quite laughable.

7:00 PM – Dinnertime…yay!

7:45 PM – Actually managed to get through dinner without staring at Minerva every thirty seconds. This is because that bumbling Sprout decided to interrogate me about "what it is that I exactly do all day." I told her that I slaughter every animal that comes across my path (besides Mrs. Norris, of course), reap havoc upon students who break the rules and, lastly, find out everything I can about what it is that the staff of Hogwarts exactly do when the lights go out. That should keep her on her toes.

8:04 PM – Talked with Dumbledore about tomorrow's Hogsmeade visit. Stupid idea, really. Just an opportunity for students third year and up to get out of school and spend all day running around having fun, buying toys and gifts, and eating sweets. Oh well, at least the castle will be mostly empty to pranks they might think of pulling.

8:19 PM – I want to get out of school and spend all day running around having fun, buying toys and gifts, and eating sweets.

8:32 PM – Talked with Mrs. Norris about my troubles. Her mewing can put any fowl mood out of mind. Who can resist her charm and unbearable cuteness? I know I can't.

9:12 PM – Passed Minerva in the corridor. She said hello to me! And addressed me by my first name! This must mean that she harbors some secret desire to have me bed her. I was going to offer myself to her, but she kept walking past. That's alright; I'm sure she has to hurry up and prepare for tomorrow's lessons.

9:18 PM – Just remembered that there are no classes tomorrow. Maybe she doesn't like me after all?

9:41 PM – Rolled the idea around in my head and have decided that she's in denial. After all, who could resist my sexually appealing physique and heroic personality?

10:00 PM – Lights out for students.

10:25 PM – I love finding students out of bed past lights out. That means punishment. Which means detention. Which means misery for them. Which makes me happy.

10:53 PM – Found a broken lantern in the Forbidden Section of the Library. Either someone's out of bed, or Peeves has been messing around again.

10:58 PM – Found eight more lanterns in three corridors. That means it's Peeves. Now I have to search the rest of the castle for broken lanterns. Lovely.

11:26 PM – This is a big castle.

11:47 PM – Finally finished my rounds. I discovered only eleven more lanterns; Peeves must have gotten bored or else found another way to taunt me.

12:00 AM – Bedtime! Time to head back to my room.

12:10 AM – What a day. The high point was defiantly being spoken to by Minerva. I'll certainly be dreaming of her tonite!

1:59 AM – Not even two hours of sleep and a damned house elf wakes me up. Oh well. At least she's fixed the fire. Now I won't freeze to death before dawn.

5:30 AM – Time to start my rounds. Merlin, I hate this job!

-FIN-


End file.
